I felt inadequate. Like, really inadequate.

Jack was one of my first executive coaching clients, many moons ago. In one of our initial sessions, Jack kept describing a specific dilemma he was facing. The situation that troubled Jack was “way out of my league.” Jack was speaking about nuances and contingencies I did not understand. A little voice in my head kept whispering say something, say something. I chimed in a few times, asked a couple of questions.

When the hour came to an end, I felt utterly deflated. I had been so useless. I had added no value to this conversation.

You were so helpful, Jack said to me as we shook hands and left the room.

Go figure.

Somehow, I had gotten the most basic piece of active listening right. I had shut up and allowed Jack to talk.

I got lucky. Because mature active listening involves a heck of a lot more than my lucky accident.

I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening. Most people never listen.” 

Ernest Hemingway

In my experience, most of us think active listening means:

• We don’t talk when others are speaking.
• We let them know we’re listening through facial expressions and verbal sounds (“Mmm-hmm”). These are often called attending behaviors.
• We repeat what they have said. At its finest, we call this validating or paraphrasing.

These are the skills you learn in a corporate communication skills class. As I was flipping through a back issue of Harvard Business Review, I was reminded that these behaviors fall far short of Active Listening at its finest (“What Great Listeners Actually Do,” HBR, Zenger & Folkman, July/August 2016).

Basic active listening behaviors are not ACTIVE enough.

In their research, Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman analyzed data describing the behavior of 3,492 participants in a development program designed to help managers become better coaches. As part of this program, the managers’ coaching skills were assessed by others in 360-degree assessments. Zenger and Folkman identified those who were perceived as being the most effective listeners (the top 5%). They then compared the best listeners to the average of all other managers in the data set.

The authors arrived at some unexpected conclusions. They organized these conclusions into four main areas. These areas transcend traditional active listening wisdom. They transcend listening to all that isn’t said. They suggest an explicitly ACTIVE engagement in a conversation. Quite ACTIVE.

Good listening is more than shutting up.

People perceive those who periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight to be the best listeners. These questions may, in fact, respectfully challenge old assumptions, but they do so in a constructive way. Sitting in silence and nodding our head does not provide any evidence that we are listening. Asking a good question tells the other person not only that we heard what they said, but that we comprehend it well enough to desire additional information.

Good listening is consistently viewed as a two-way dialogue rather than a one-way speaker-versus-listener transaction. The best conversations are ACTIVE. Highly ACTIVE.

Good listening builds a person’s self-esteem.

The best listeners make the conversation a positive experience for the other party. This doesn’t happen when the listener is passive or overly critical. A good listener, in fact, makes the other person feel supported and conveys confidence in the person. The speaker feels heard, and more importantly, understood.

Good listening is characterized by the creation of a safe environment in which issues and differences can be discussed. There is NO experience of good listening without psychological safety.

Good listening generates a cooperative conversation. 

In cooperative interactions, feedback flows smoothly in both directions, with neither party becoming defensive about comments the other makes. In contrast, poor listeners are often seen as competitive – as if they are listening only to identify errors in reasoning and using their silence as a chance to prepare their next response. While this may make us an excellent debater, it doesn’t make us a good listener.

Good listeners may actually challenge assumptions and disagree, but the person being listened to feels like the listener is trying to help, not trying to win or be right.

Good listeners tend to make suggestions.

Good listening invariably includes some feedback. This feedback is provided in a way that others will accept. It opens up alternative paths of moving forward.

This finding surprised Zenger and Folkman since it’s not uncommon to hear complaints that so-and-so didn’t listen, they just jumped in and tried to fix me.

The data suggests that, perhaps, making a suggestion is not the problem; it may be the skill with which that suggestion is made. Another possibility is that we’re more likely to accept suggestions from people we already think are good listeners. Someone who is silent for the whole conversation and then jumps in with a suggestion may not be seen as credible. Someone who seems combative or critical and then tries to give advice may not be seen as trustworthy.

This ACTIVE LISTENING playbook is a lot more ACTIVE than most of us thought, isn’t it?

Shut up, focus on the speaker and don’t interrupt are, indeed, great active listening starting points. They don’t suffice. Paraphrasing doesn’t suffice, either. Get more ACTIVELY engaged in your conversations. Have the courage to make your conversation a truly cooperative experience.

One in which you listen, of course.

ACTIVELY.

I love working for my boss, Linda says with genuine conviction.

After a short pause, she sheepishly adds: Except for this. Brian loves to float ideas by us. We will discuss these ideas for several months. Brian always makes us feel like our input really matters. But after a few months it becomes clear that Brian’s mind had been made up all along.

Frustrated sigh.

And we have just wasted 3 months debating something that wasn’t negotiable.

Linda is no Junior staff member. She’s a VP of Operations with 240 employees in her portfolio. Linda thinks tactically. She thinks strategically. She has a lot on her plate, and she does NOT like to waste her time.

I just conducted a 360 feedback process for Reinaldo, a Senior Human Resources executive. Reinaldo is personable. Smart. A creative thinker. The folks in the Business Unit he supports enjoy working with Reinaldo. Except for this one little habit of his that showed up in the feedback, again and again.

Reinaldo wants our input on everything. We spend a lot of time in meetings giving input. Sometimes I want Reinaldo to just say ‘Look, this is what we’re doing. Darn’it. Decision made. Let’s make it work. Let’s get on with it already.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusions that it has taken place.”

George Berbard Shaw

Linda and Reinaldo mean well. They long to be collaborative leaders. They have been schooled in modern management thinking. Too well, perhaps. And they apply this collaborative thinking in a not entirely helpful way.

The leaders who work most effectively, it seems to me, revered management guru Peter Drucker famously stated, never say “I.” And that’s not because they have trained themselves not to say “I.” They don’t think “I.” They think “we.” They understand their job is to make the team function.”

Think of this as a foundational quote for modern collaborative teamwork. And please think of the two individuals I mentioned earlier as examples of this collaborative thinking gone awry.

Not every decision is negotiable. Not every initiative requires lots of flexibility. Consider the following limits as you engage one of your teams in conversation. They will be grateful to you when you do.

When A Decision Has Already Been Made

You have made up your mind on Action Y or Initiative X. You’re clear that this will be your course of action. When speaking with your team, don’t suddenly go wishy-washy on them. Here’s something we may want to do – what do you think? Here’s an idea John and I have been kicking around – any reactions? It might be great if we tried Action Y or Initiative X!

Plans dressed up as if they were ideas up for discussion. Open to negotiation. If a decision has been made, tell your team it has been made. If you continuously hold fake discussions where what others say will not impact a course of action, you will have an angry team on your hand. A very angry one.

Use a What/How Frame

If WHAT we will do has been decided, move on from there. Have the HOW conversation. How can we make sure we execute Action Y well? What are the immediate next steps that have to be taken? Who is best suited to take on task A or project B?

You know how to do this. Jump from strategy to tactics. Get granular. Entertain the possibility that folks you work will get excited about execution. And are perhaps even relieved that a decision was made for them. It has saved them from participating in a potential going-around-in-circles conversation. It allows them to focus on what many members on your team may like more than anything else: Generate results.

Highlight Potential Blind Spots

Don’t second-guess yourself with your team by questioning a decision you have already made. Own your decision – but allow your peeps to poke some holes into your thinking. Is there anything I have missed? What other factors may we wish to consider here? Are there any blind spots in our thinking?

Conduct a Force Field Analysis. It’s a wonderful old-school consulting tool. A basic T-chart where on the left side you list all the forces that favor the successful execution of a course of action, and on the right side all the forces that may hinder it. For each force that may hinder it, identify ways of removing or mitigating this force. When you conduct a Force Field Analysis, you’re not picking apart a decision that was made. No, you haveully switched into successful execution mode. And that tends to feel really good.

Have the Ownership Conversation

Instead of a belabored conversation in which you hem and haw about a decision that is no longer up for discussion, own that you have made the decision. And turn the ownership opportunity over to your team members. What will it take for YOU to fully own the execution of this decision? What, if anything, can I do to help you get to full ownership?

Full commitment to the successful execution of a plan is a wonderful thing. Foster THAT in your team.

It has been common in my work as a C-Suite Coach that my client is, at the same time, working with the venerable McKinsey Consulting Firm to figure out how to improve work processes.

I invariably chuckle at the first recommendation my client receives from McKinsey. It is invariably the same.

Make decisions faster.

I’m a big girl, Linda explains to me. Sometimes just tell me what to do, and I will be happy to get it done.

Let your team off the hook. Don’t torture them with fake open-mindedness. Don’t hold them hostage in conversations where they will not impact a decision of yours.

Own the decision you have already made.

And move on.